The causes of my depression, part 16: choosing my major
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In the third year of Engineering Science, I had to make plans for graduate school. The program was divided into a number of options (now called “majors”, which is basically what they are), and I chose Computer Engineering. Unfortunately, it would be two years before the Nanoengineering option became available, although there was a lot of buzz about it at the time. If it had been available, I might have chosen it, as it would have allowed me to study some topics closely related to the construction of quantum computers.
But since that option was not yet available, I turned my attention to control systems. This allowed me to learn more about finite state automata and computational complexity, as well as certain topics in mathematics and physics, in a context which was acceptable to my parents. I was concerned that if they realised I was going to study some of the subjects which they had previously dismissed as “worthless” and “irrelevant” to my future, they would continually distract me with their criticisms and prevent me from continuing my studies. Fortunately, that did not happen — at least for a while.
– davinci
The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
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Though I hadn’t realised this at the time, by far the most damaging part of being in the wrong program in the long term was that I had essentially nothing in common with any of my classmates. I’ve heard that it is not unusual for people to form lifelong friendships during their undergraduate years, but I barely interacted with anyone else in the program. Their goals were completely different from mine, as were their attitudes towards learning.
While there were a few guys at the top of the class who were actually passionate about some specific subject, most of the rest of the class wanted only to memorise enough equations, and for long enough, to pass their tests and do well on their assignments. More than once, I have heard, “What are you still studying that for? We don’t need to know that any more (or, until the final exam).” I suppose that this isn’t a problem specific to engineering… » [Expand post]« [Collapse post] [Permalink]
The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
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In high school, my life had been synthetic: my academic and social lives were blended together harmoniously, despite my parents’ attempts to disrupt that harmony. In university, I was forced to live essentially two separate lives, and had to divide my attention between them. I suffered greatly through the first two years because it wasn’t until third year that I managed to somewhat integrate the two halves of my life again.
I think that my parents chose a program with such a heavy workload because they believed that it would force me to focus on the subjects that I needed for graduate school while preventing me from having the free time to devote my attention to subjects which had “nothing to do with” a future career in academia. As always, their actions had the opposite effect… » [Expand post]« [Collapse post] [Permalink]
The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
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I was very far ahead of my high school classmates, and by third year I was practically already in university, because I was spending so much time at the University of Toronto libraries. I actually could have entered university after the third year of high school, but my father forbade me from doing so because he disapproved of my academic plans. I had wanted to study computer science and physics (especially astrophysics), with a smattering of courses in religion and history, which I could have done by entering a flexible program with a small workload and then choosing my own courses. I was preparing myself to fill a niche for scientists who could communicate with both computer scientists and physicists, while being in a position to take advantage of the career and monetary opportunities created by the coming shift of the West’s attention to the Muslim world. My father claimed that this was “unfocused”… » [Expand post]« [Collapse post] [Permalink]