Tag Archive for 'child abuse'

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The causes of my depression, part 12: my grandmother’s death

Published by davinci on May 3, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

A major blow to my ability to concentrate on my studies came when my grandmother passed away.

I was taking Stephen Cook’s course on Computational Complexity and Computability at the time. In high school, when I was studying the exact same topics covered by the course, my father had called them “worthless” and had told me that if I didn’t stop “wasting my time” on them then I would never get into graduate school. And when I had defended myself by telling him that Gödel’s theorems and the P vs. NP problem were among some of the most important ideas in computer science, he screamed at me, “Then why haven’t I heard of them?”… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  2. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  3. The causes of my depression, part 7: my mother’s selfishness
  4. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  5. The causes of my depression, part 6: how Mrs. Mallo saved my academic career
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The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates

Published by davinci on May 2, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Though I hadn’t realised this at the time, by far the most damaging part of being in the wrong program in the long term was that I had essentially nothing in common with any of my classmates. I’ve heard that it is not unusual for people to form lifelong friendships during their undergraduate years, but I barely interacted with anyone else in the program. Their goals were completely different from mine, as were their attitudes towards learning.

While there were a few guys at the top of the class who were actually passionate about some specific subject, most of the rest of the class wanted only to memorise enough equations, and for long enough, to pass their tests and do well on their assignments. More than once, I have heard, “What are you still studying that for? We don’t need to know that any more (or, until the final exam).” I suppose that this isn’t a problem specific to engineering… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  2. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  3. The causes of my depression, part 10: “the Machine”
  4. The causes of my depression, part 1: a summary of the present situation
  5. The causes of my depression, part 4: the Mentorship Program
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The causes of my depression, part 10: “the Machine”

Published by davinci on May 1, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Besides my brother, I didn’t spend very much time with anyone else in the Engineering Science program, except for one other guy. He had actually joined the program late, and wasn’t very social. I had noticed him sitting by himself and invited him to join us, and the three of us ended up spending a lot of time studying together after that. Many of the other students in the program studied in large groups and socialised together in the evenings and on weekends, but we didn’t join them. I actually kept a very active social life outside of Engineering Science, which I will write about in later posts.

Our friend was the most efficient person my brother and I had ever seen. We nicknamed him “the Machine”… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. My depression in Waterloo, part 9: exposed
  2. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  3. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  4. The causes of my depression, part 19: the demographics of my graduate school labmates
  5. My depression in Waterloo, part 8: disguising my research
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The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches

Published by davinci on April 30, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

In high school, my life had been synthetic: my academic and social lives were blended together harmoniously, despite my parents’ attempts to disrupt that harmony. In university, I was forced to live essentially two separate lives, and had to divide my attention between them. I suffered greatly through the first two years because it wasn’t until third year that I managed to somewhat integrate the two halves of my life again.

I think that my parents chose a program with such a heavy workload because they believed that it would force me to focus on the subjects that I needed for graduate school while preventing me from having the free time to devote my attention to subjects which had “nothing to do with” a future career in academia. As always, their actions had the opposite effect… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  2. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  3. The causes of my depression, part 2: my high school predictions about the future
  4. The causes of my depression, part 16: choosing my major
  5. The causes of my depression, part 12: my grandmother’s death
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The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree

Published by davinci on April 29, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

I was very far ahead of my high school classmates, and by third year I was practically already in university, because I was spending so much time at the University of Toronto libraries. I actually could have entered university after the third year of high school, but my father forbade me from doing so because he disapproved of my academic plans. I had wanted to study computer science and physics (especially astrophysics), with a smattering of courses in religion and history, which I could have done by entering a flexible program with a small workload and then choosing my own courses. I was preparing myself to fill a niche for scientists who could communicate with both computer scientists and physicists, while being in a position to take advantage of the career and monetary opportunities created by the coming shift of the West’s attention to the Muslim world. My father claimed that this was “unfocused”… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. My depression in Waterloo, part 3: my Master’s degree in computer science
  2. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  3. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  4. The causes of my depression, part 4: the Mentorship Program
  5. The causes of my depression, part 7: my mother’s selfishness
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The causes of my depression, part 7: my mother’s selfishness

Published by davinci on April 28, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

I simply did not want my parents to be able to take credit for my achievements. They attacked me continuously throughout high school for doing the very things I needed to do in order to succeed in academia. I have already written about how my father beat me for reading books on science, dismissed my scientific writings as worthless, and locked me out of the house for going to the university library.

But my mother also played a role in destroying my academic abilities by attacking me for collaborating with others and for teaching… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. My depression in Waterloo, part 7: my mother’s selfishness, re-visited
  2. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  3. The causes of my depression, part 2: my high school predictions about the future
  4. The causes of my depression, part 6: how Mrs. Mallo saved my academic career
  5. The causes of my depression, part 12: my grandmother’s death
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The causes of my depression, part 6: how Mrs. Mallo saved my academic career

Published by davinci on April 27, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

There were a couple of things which helped me cope with my parents’ continual attempts to prevent me from studying what I wanted to study in high school. I found great inspiration in the writings of M. K. Gandhi (popularly known as Mahatma Gandhi, an honorific which he did not like). Gandhi believed that the way to resist an unjust law is to break it with a full awareness of the consequences and the willingness to suffer the attendant penalties, while remaining firm in one’s convictions. A line spoken by the title character in Richard Attenborough’s biographical film on Gandhi in particular steeled my resolve: “They may torture my body, break my bones, even kill me. Then they will have my dead body — not my obedience.” I recalled this line whenever my father beat me for reading books on science. I also read the works of Henry David Thoreau, who inspired Gandhi, and Martin Luther King, Jr., one of many people who put Gandhi’s words into action.

But what really saved me and my career in science from my parents was the protection and assistance of Mrs. Mallo, the mother of one of my best friends in high school… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  2. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  3. The causes of my depression, part 7: my mother’s selfishness
  4. The causes of my depression, part 12: my grandmother’s death
  5. The causes of my depression, part 3: “stop wasting money on worthless books”
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The causes of my depression, part 5: the Stephen Hawking incident

Published by davinci on April 26, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 3 Comments Tags: , , , .

Throughout high school, I used to carry around stacks of books and scientific papers with me. My father had warned me not to bring them into the house because he did not want to see them, but of course I would just hide them in my room or disguise them by putting an acceptable book on top or in front of them. I thought that the whole charade was rather quite funny. I had friends who hid pornography or alcohol or music with illicit lyrics from their parents, and I even knew of people who stashed drugs; my classmates stayed out late to attend parties or meet with lovers. And here I was, having to conceal scientific papers and sneaking out to go to the university library! But I was caught several times, and punished with varying degrees of severity.

The one incident which finally made it impossible to study at my parents’ house was actually rather mild… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 4: the Mentorship Program
  2. The causes of my depression, part 12: my grandmother’s death
  3. My depression in Waterloo, part 1: the first term
  4. The causes of my depression, part 17: my “frivolous” web site and how I learned Persian
  5. The causes of my depression, part 3: “stop wasting money on worthless books”
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The causes of my depression, part 4: the Mentorship Program

Published by davinci on April 25, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Because I was so eager to get ahead, I tried to spend as much time in university as early as possible. I participated in two programs designed by the University of Toronto to give bright and ambitious high school students a head start in their university careers.

The first was Computing Insights, which was a kind of computer science summer school. Now, I already knew that was was being taught in my high school “computer science” classes had very little in common with what academic computer scientists actually studied. The high school classes treated computer science as a vocational subject, and taught skills such as word processing, programming, and graphics. For the most part, they never introduced any abstract notions such as models of computation. So it was a very good experience to have been able to speak with actual professors and graduate students in computer science. The experience affirmed my view that my father had absolutely no idea what he was talking about when it came to what was or wasn’t computer science.

The other program that I was involved with created a lot of friction with my father… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 2: my high school predictions about the future
  2. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  3. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  4. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  5. The causes of my depression, part 12: my grandmother’s death
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The causes of my depression, part 3: “stop wasting money on worthless books”

Published by davinci on April 24, 2009 in academic meetings, academic writings, autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Of course, I cannot speak of anyone else’s experience, but my sense is that other students of Chinese background were, like me, also pressured by their parents not to read any books outside of school. The ones I knew always seemed surprised that I was reading books all the time which were not required for school. But more importantly, their parents lead by counterexample: whenever I have visited the homes of my Chinese classmates, I have noticed that by far the majority of books on their parents’ bookshelves were of a serious technical nature. In contrast, whenever I have visited the homes of my university professors, their shelves were filled with books which, by my parents’ criteria, “had nothing to do” with their research. Similarly, the bookshelves in my non-Asian classmates’ homes were filled with fiction or books on subjects which were clearly unrelated to their parents’ work.

In my parents’ house, it was apparent which shelves belonged to my father and which belonged to me: … » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 5: the Stephen Hawking incident
  2. The causes of my depression, part 6: how Mrs. Mallo saved my academic career
  3. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  4. The causes of my depression, part 10: “the Machine”
  5. The causes of my depression, part 17: my “frivolous” web site and how I learned Persian
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