Archive for the 'autobiography' Category

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The causes of my depression, part 16: choosing my major

Published by davinci on May 7, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

In the third year of Engineering Science, I had to make plans for graduate school. The program was divided into a number of options (now called “majors”, which is basically what they are), and I chose Computer Engineering. Unfortunately, it would be two years before the Nanoengineering option became available, although there was a lot of buzz about it at the time. If it had been available, I might have chosen it, as it would have allowed me to study some topics closely related to the construction of quantum computers.

But since that option was not yet available, I turned my attention to control systems. This allowed me to learn more about finite state automata and computational complexity, as well as certain topics in mathematics and physics, in a context which was acceptable to my parents. I was concerned that if they realised I was going to study some of the subjects which they had previously dismissed as “worthless” and “irrelevant” to my future, they would continually distract me with their criticisms and prevent me from continuing my studies. Fortunately, that did not happen — at least for a while.

– davinci

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  2. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  3. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  4. The causes of my depression, part 19: the demographics of my graduate school labmates
  5. The causes of my depression, part 2: my high school predictions about the future
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The causes of my depression, part 15: the most important thing I did in undergrad

Published by davinci on May 6, 2009 in autobiography, personal and social issues. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

I was actually very disappointed with what officially passed for “interfaith dialogue” at the university. I believe very strongly that one of the roles, if not the primary role, of a university education is to teach critical thinking skills and to inculcate the habit of subjecting truth-claims to skeptical scrutiny. But I observed all sorts of ostensibly university-educated people making claims which, I think, they quite frankly ought to have been embarrassed about; they were either flat-out self-contradictory or obviously wrong, or could have easily been verified to be so by a quick trip to the library.

I set out to unofficially rectify this situation by engaging in conversations with a lot of people of various religions… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 17: my “frivolous” web site and how I learned Persian
  2. Being socially active is important to academic success
  3. Overcoming my writer’s block, part 6: communications technologies and their effects on global politics
  4. The causes of my depression, part 13: leading a double life
  5. The causes of my depression, part 7: my mother’s selfishness
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The causes of my depression, part 14: meditation and other Buddhist activities

Published by davinci on May 5, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , .

My social circle during my undergraduate years consisted mostly of people who were connected in one way or another with my interest in religion. I converted to Buddhism and became the President of the Buddhist Student Association — a long and interesting story which I may tell in later posts. There are, however, a few items related to my depression, and to my efforts to overcome my parents’ attempts to destroy my scientific career, which I will relate here.

Because of my association with Buddhism, I began to meditate regularly. In fact, I took part in organising regular meditation sessions at the university. The practice gave me the strength to cope with my parents’ abuse. Naturally, as soon as they discovered what I was doing, they started to attack me for (what else?) “wasting my time”… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 19: the demographics of my graduate school labmates
  2. My depression in Waterloo, part 5: feeling “unworthy”
  3. The causes of my depression, part 18: my parents blamed me for 9/11
  4. My depression in Waterloo, part 10: disowned
  5. My depression in Waterloo, part 8: disguising my research
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The causes of my depression, part 13: leading a double life

Published by davinci on May 4, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

I mentioned earlier that I lived essentially two separate lives in my undergraduate years. My life outside of the classroom was an attempt to continue to do the things that my parents had tried to prevent me from doing. Because I could not focus on studying theoretical computer science or physics, for the reasons explained previously, I turned my attention to what I believed would be happening in the near future in the Muslim world. I sat in on classes in history, religion, and languages, though I did not take them officially because I did not want my parents to see these courses on my transcript. There were a few people who knew that I was doing all of these things in additional to being in Engineering Science, and they always expressed amazement that I was able to pull it off. But I don’t think that this was actually all that impressive… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. My depression in Waterloo, part 11: the biggest regret of my life
  2. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  3. The causes of my depression, part 10: “the Machine”
  4. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  5. The causes of my depression, part 3: “stop wasting money on worthless books”
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The causes of my depression, part 12: my grandmother’s death

Published by davinci on May 3, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

A major blow to my ability to concentrate on my studies came when my grandmother passed away.

I was taking Stephen Cook’s course on Computational Complexity and Computability at the time. In high school, when I was studying the exact same topics covered by the course, my father had called them “worthless” and had told me that if I didn’t stop “wasting my time” on them then I would never get into graduate school. And when I had defended myself by telling him that Gödel’s theorems and the P vs. NP problem were among some of the most important ideas in computer science, he screamed at me, “Then why haven’t I heard of them?”… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  2. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  3. The causes of my depression, part 7: my mother’s selfishness
  4. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  5. The causes of my depression, part 6: how Mrs. Mallo saved my academic career
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The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates

Published by davinci on May 2, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Though I hadn’t realised this at the time, by far the most damaging part of being in the wrong program in the long term was that I had essentially nothing in common with any of my classmates. I’ve heard that it is not unusual for people to form lifelong friendships during their undergraduate years, but I barely interacted with anyone else in the program. Their goals were completely different from mine, as were their attitudes towards learning.

While there were a few guys at the top of the class who were actually passionate about some specific subject, most of the rest of the class wanted only to memorise enough equations, and for long enough, to pass their tests and do well on their assignments. More than once, I have heard, “What are you still studying that for? We don’t need to know that any more (or, until the final exam).” I suppose that this isn’t a problem specific to engineering… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  2. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  3. The causes of my depression, part 10: “the Machine”
  4. The causes of my depression, part 1: a summary of the present situation
  5. The causes of my depression, part 4: the Mentorship Program
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The causes of my depression, part 10: “the Machine”

Published by davinci on May 1, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Besides my brother, I didn’t spend very much time with anyone else in the Engineering Science program, except for one other guy. He had actually joined the program late, and wasn’t very social. I had noticed him sitting by himself and invited him to join us, and the three of us ended up spending a lot of time studying together after that. Many of the other students in the program studied in large groups and socialised together in the evenings and on weekends, but we didn’t join them. I actually kept a very active social life outside of Engineering Science, which I will write about in later posts.

Our friend was the most efficient person my brother and I had ever seen. We nicknamed him “the Machine”… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. My depression in Waterloo, part 9: exposed
  2. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  3. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  4. The causes of my depression, part 19: the demographics of my graduate school labmates
  5. My depression in Waterloo, part 8: disguising my research
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The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches

Published by davinci on April 30, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

In high school, my life had been synthetic: my academic and social lives were blended together harmoniously, despite my parents’ attempts to disrupt that harmony. In university, I was forced to live essentially two separate lives, and had to divide my attention between them. I suffered greatly through the first two years because it wasn’t until third year that I managed to somewhat integrate the two halves of my life again.

I think that my parents chose a program with such a heavy workload because they believed that it would force me to focus on the subjects that I needed for graduate school while preventing me from having the free time to devote my attention to subjects which had “nothing to do with” a future career in academia. As always, their actions had the opposite effect… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  2. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  3. The causes of my depression, part 2: my high school predictions about the future
  4. The causes of my depression, part 16: choosing my major
  5. The causes of my depression, part 12: my grandmother’s death
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The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree

Published by davinci on April 29, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

I was very far ahead of my high school classmates, and by third year I was practically already in university, because I was spending so much time at the University of Toronto libraries. I actually could have entered university after the third year of high school, but my father forbade me from doing so because he disapproved of my academic plans. I had wanted to study computer science and physics (especially astrophysics), with a smattering of courses in religion and history, which I could have done by entering a flexible program with a small workload and then choosing my own courses. I was preparing myself to fill a niche for scientists who could communicate with both computer scientists and physicists, while being in a position to take advantage of the career and monetary opportunities created by the coming shift of the West’s attention to the Muslim world. My father claimed that this was “unfocused”… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. My depression in Waterloo, part 3: my Master’s degree in computer science
  2. The causes of my depression, part 9: rolling with the punches
  3. The causes of my depression, part 11: nothing in common with classmates
  4. The causes of my depression, part 4: the Mentorship Program
  5. The causes of my depression, part 7: my mother’s selfishness
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The causes of my depression, part 7: my mother’s selfishness

Published by davinci on April 28, 2009 in autobiography and personal. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

I simply did not want my parents to be able to take credit for my achievements. They attacked me continuously throughout high school for doing the very things I needed to do in order to succeed in academia. I have already written about how my father beat me for reading books on science, dismissed my scientific writings as worthless, and locked me out of the house for going to the university library.

But my mother also played a role in destroying my academic abilities by attacking me for collaborating with others and for teaching… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

If you like this post, you might also like:

  1. My depression in Waterloo, part 7: my mother’s selfishness, re-visited
  2. The causes of my depression, part 8: a “prestigious” degree
  3. The causes of my depression, part 2: my high school predictions about the future
  4. The causes of my depression, part 6: how Mrs. Mallo saved my academic career
  5. The causes of my depression, part 12: my grandmother’s death
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