Archive for the 'autobiography' Category

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My depression in Waterloo, part 5: feeling “unworthy”

The main part of my strategy for overcoming my depression is to identify its triggers and confront each and every one of them by writing about them. Since switching my Ph.D. research topic to quantum computing, almost everything that I encountered every single day as a graduate student in this area has been a trigger of my depression.

The very situation itself was depressing to me, which is in some ways quite irrational. I had told my father when I was in high school that there would be a close collaboration between computer scientists and physicists to study the physics of computation, and now I was a part of this. But in many ways I felt very out of place… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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My depression in Waterloo, part 4: switching into quantum computing

In the first term of my Ph.D., I audited the Quantum Information course taught by Dr. Ashwin Nayak, but did not take it for credit. This was partly because I was so distracted by my predicament, but also because I initially didn’t want the course to appear on my transcript, lest my parents should see it. I was originally just going to sit in on the lectures, but Dr. Nayak convinced me to audit the course, because I had been doing the assignments anyway. And so the course did, in fact, appear on my transcript after all.

During the next several terms, I took some courses to satisfy my degree requirements, while I searched for a way to do research into quantum computing without my parents’ interference. I started to become depressed, because, perhaps unsurprisingly, my parents had begun to attack me for studying bioinformatics. I suppose that the onset of my depression had always only been a matter of time… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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My depression in Waterloo, part 3: my Master’s degree in computer science

Beginning in my second term at the University of Waterloo, I started to work with Dr. Gord Cormack and Dr. Charles Clarke in the Programming Languages Group on some information retrieval problems. (They’re very easygoing and everyone just calls them “Gord and Charlie”, so it feels a little bit strange to refer to them so formally. But I will maintain this level of formality when referring to all of my professors for the sake of consistency.) I also took a course from Dr. Clarke on Automatic Question Answering.

It was quite fortuitous that Dr. Cormack and Dr. Clarke were members of the Programming Languages Group, to which I was thus assigned, along with other graduate students who were researching information retrieval. Programming languages was a topic to which my parents had no objection… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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My depression in Waterloo, part 2: role reversal and sacrifice

I had discovered, by the end of my first term in Waterloo, that while my father had maintained his negative opinion of quantum computing, it no longer seemed to enrage him consistently as it did before. This was a man who had screamed at me, beat me, locked me out of the house, and threatened to disown me for studying the components that make up quantum computing while I was in high school, but his reaction to the fact that I had resumed my studies — which he had expressly forbidden me to continue, under threat of being disowned — could only be described as mild irritation.

One of the main difficulties in coping with abusive authoritarian parents is the lack of consistency in their demands… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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My depression in Waterloo, part 1: the first term

The previous series of posts, called “The causes of my depression”, established the triggers that set off my depression. Since coming to Waterloo, I have been encountering these almost every single day. I am therefore beginning a new series on (the effects of) my depression in Waterloo. As before, these posts were expanded from notes I took after my sessions with UW Counselling and a private psychiatrist.

The University of Waterloo is run on a system of three terms (or semesters) of four months each per academic year. The first term actually went very well for me, right up until near the end of the term, when I made the mistake of consenting to a visit from my parents… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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The causes of my depression, part 19: the demographics of my graduate school labmates

As I have described in several previous posts, my academic and social lives basically did not intersect while I was an undergraduate. In graduate school, these aspects of my life became somewhat re-integrated once again, because there were so many Iranians in engineering, and especially in my area of control systems.

I should perhaps go back a little and explain why the demographics of my graduate school labmates was noteworthy. Throughout my undergraduate years in Engineering Science, my father had been harassing me about my supposed inability to compete with students from mainland China… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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The very first words I have ever knowingly said to a Nobel Laureate

(Warning: there is some mature language in this post.)

This is another out-of-order post in my autobiographical series. I had left it out previously because it didn’t really have anything to do with my depression or my current situation, but I thought I’d post it since I’d already written it, and it’s somewhat amusing.

In an academic environment, one encounters all sorts of famous and interesting people. Nobel laureates visit universities to give talks all the time, but in such situations it’s sometimes not so easy to have a tête-à-tête or a meeting with only a few others present.

The first time that I knowingly met a Nobel laureate occurred while I was an undergraduate at the University of Toronto, and happened outside of academe. In fact, I was just shopping for groceries… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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Being socially active is important to academic success

I had originally written the material in this post as a part of the ongoing series on the causes of my depression. I had taken this material out because it had made the high school section of my chronology far too long, and also because I didn’t think the details were that relevant to the theme of the series. However, as I was writing the next post in the series, which was to be about my experiences in graduate school, I realised that a lot of it didn’t make sense except in comparison with my high school experiences. I have therefore cobbled some of the material back together into this post.

I am not including this post in the ongoing series numbering primarily because it is out of chronological order, but also because I think its theme is important enough that the post should stand on its own. There is a widespread belief that intelligence and sociability are inversely correlated; gifted children are commonly stereotyped as being socially awkward and unpopular, especially in high school. I not only think that this stereotype is untrue, I think it is perniciously harmful. It is especially harmful in the case of gifted adolescents of Asian descent, who are basically hit with the double whammy of being stereotyped as socially awkward for two different reasons… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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The causes of my depression, part 18: my parents blamed me for 9/11

My parents had been attacking me for years for observing that religion would once again become important in global affairs, that the post-Cold War division of the world would be into blocs defined by religion and culture, and that in particular the resurgence of Islam would have a large part to play in this. Their reaction to the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, and the way they began to treat me thereafter, perfectly illustrate the enormous gulf between traditional Chinese culture and the culture of science.

In science, progress is made through the elimination of faulty hypotheses which are discarded whenever they are shown not to agree with observations of reality. Science therefore demands certain traits of its practitioners: the readiness to alter one’s opinions, no matter how deeply held, when they are contradicted by incoming evidence; and the willingness to admit one’s errors. An individual scientist may be unwilling to abandon a pet theory, but for the most part, science celebrates the desertion of wrong ideas; when one studies the history of science, the really major discoveries have been hailed as such precisely because they overturned previously cherished beliefs. These traits are not only lacking in traditional Chinese culture — which values obedience, harmony, reverence for authority, and the concept of “face” — but are actually antithetical to it… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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The causes of my depression, part 17: my “frivolous” web site and how I learned Persian

When I entered graduate school to study discrete-event control systems, I once again put up a web site with my interests and my writings. As a part of that, I experimented with automatic translation, but the state of the technology was pretty poor at the time, and so it didn’t work out. What I ended up with was a web site with sections in four languages — English, Chinese, Klingon, and Hindi — and different content in each.

I featured a number of projects on the web site which had nothing to do with school… » [Expand post] [Permalink]

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