If your parents are physically, verbally, emotionally, or otherwise abusive towards you, please seek professional help. Your high school, university, or community centre should have counselling services which can help you.
Since I have written very openly about my upbringing by physically and emotionally abusive parents, I’ve received many comments both in public and in private. For those who have written to thank me, you’re welcome. For those who have written to disagree with me, I would like to address a few of the most common comments.
The most important thing I want to ask you is whether your opinion would be any different if, instead of writing about physical and emotional child abuse, I had written about physical and emotional spousal abuse, or sexual child abuse. Would you tell a battered wife to be more understanding of where her husband is coming from? Would the fact that her husband had been brought up in a more traditional culture have any bearing on your advice to her? Similarly, would you ever tell a sexually abused child to be more sympathetic to his parents, or that they were only acting in his best interests?
If you would never even think of saying to a battered woman that she should be more sympathetic to her abuser, why would you ever give that advice to an abused child? An adult in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship could at least be said to have chosen that relationship, but no child chooses his or her primary caregivers. If anything, society ought to hold parents to a higher standard of behaviour towards their children than it holds for the interaction between spouses.
And if you would never take the side of parents who sexually molest their children, why would you take the side of those who beat or threaten them? What difference does it make whether the abuse is sexual, physical, or emotional?
Before I address each of the comments below, let me say that I understand that the people who make them are generally well-intentioned. The problem is that if you have no experience of being abused as a child yourself (or if you have, but are in denial about it), then you’re liable to read into the situation many things which are simply neither applicable nor true. And if you are unfamiliar with the literature on child abuse and bullying, then the advice you give may not only be unhelpful, but can actually be very damaging to the recipients.
Below are some comments I have frequently received (though not necessarily in order of frequency).
- You should be grateful to your parents because they raised you.
No, you should be grateful to people who have been kind to you. Parents are generally kind to their children, but this is not always true. There is no reason why one ought to feel gratitude towards an abusive parent. If a father feeds, houses, and looks after the health of his daughter, but also sexually molests her, would you ever dream of telling her to be grateful to him?
Acts of kindness do not cancel out acts of cruelty. To take an extreme example, imagine a couple who murders the parents of a child, whom they then raise lovingly as their own son. Years later, after he has grown up, he discovers the truth. Would you ever tell him that he should be grateful to the murderers (whom he has considered to be his parents for his entire life) merely because they had raised him? Of course not.
Most people should be grateful to their parents, because their parents had treated them well. I am grateful to the people who supported me and were kind to me while I was growing up. For example, I changed my surname to that of the family who took me into their home after my father had kicked me out of the house for visiting the university library, to acknowledge the role that they had played in allowing me to pursue an academic career.
You should not be telling people who have been abused by their parents that they should be grateful to them. It is extremely damaging to insist that someone ought to have feelings that they do not naturally have. Many psychological problems and mental disorders have their origin in the repression of natural emotion.
- You shouldn’t be angry.
I would not describe my primary feeling about my upbringing as anger, but as outrage or indignation. Perhaps you consider these to be the same thing. But either way, what is wrong with feeling angry?Anger is the natural reaction of a psychologically healthy human being to injustice. If you don’t feel outrage when you encounter child abuse, and especially if you think that an abused child shouldn’t be angry, then I submit that there is something wrong with you.
- Your parents have had a difficult life or a different upbringing.
I don’t see the point that people who bring this up are trying to make. What is the relevance of this? Would you ever tell a battered wife, or a girl whose father threatens her life for dating, that she should be more understanding of her abuser because he had been raised in an environment where women are expected to be completely subservient to men? Or would you tell a boy who is being abused by a priest that he should be more understanding of his behaviour, because the priest has led a sexually repressed life?
In our society, wife-beating and sexual molestation of children are universally considered wrong, without regard for the backgrounds of the offenders. Why should the physical or emotional abuse of children be treated differently?
Furthermore, the idea that an abuser’s upbringing somehow explains or mitigates his or her behaviour is very insulting to those people with the same or a similar upbringing who are not abusers. I was very fortunate while growing up that I had friends with similar immigrant backgrounds, but parents who treated them well, and so I could see that my parents’ behaviour is not a necessary outcome of their upbringing. They made a choice to be abusive, when they could have chosen to behave differently.
I know why my mother is so verbally abusive. When I was young, I witnessed her own mother being verbally abusive towards her. She is repeating the same behaviour towards me. I do not care that she is verbally abusive because that is the way she was raised. I was raised in the same way, but I will never repeat her behaviour.
Please stop telling abused children that their parents are the way they are because of their backgrounds. It isn’t true, and it doesn’t help. The idea dehumanises the abusers, as it treats them as though they were automata with no choice in how they react to their circumstances. You’re also helping to perpetuate the cycle of abuse by implying that the recipient of it has no choice but to act in the same way.
- You don’t understand your parents’ motivations.
A person who says this inevitably has some very specific beliefs about what the motivations of abusive authoritarian parents are. But isn’t it a little bit presumptuous to think that you know what a complete stranger’s motivations are better than people who have known him or her for decades?
Philip Guo’s article on “Understanding and dealing with overbearing Asian parents” is characteristic of the kinds of things people say about the motivations of abusive parents when they have no personal experience of being abused and are unaware of the scientific and clinical literature on child abuse and bullying. The explanation given in the article of why Asian parents are so obsessed with grades and rankings sounds reasonable (and obvious), but because it does not take into account the psychology of bullying, it does not mesh with the actual experience of people who live with the situation that it purports to explain.
The most common motivation that people attribute to abusive authoritarian Asian parents is that they just want their children to succeed academically, and are acting in their best interests. The assumption that parents are motivated primarily by the welfare of their child is so beyond questioning for most people that it is essentially dogma.
But there are instances where most people can recognise that a parent is not acting in his or her child’s interest, but is instead using the child to satisfy their own emotional needs. For example, consider the young girls who are made up to look like sexualised adults for child beauty pageants, or the young boys who are forced to spend an excessive number of hours practising and playing a sport that he does not like. In these cases, it’s obvious that the child’s mother or father is living vicariously through them, and where the child is harmed as a result, we have no hesitation to label it abuse.
Once you move away from the assumption that a parent necessarily places his or her child’s welfare above his or her own emotional needs, the behaviour of abusive authoritarian Asian parents makes much more sense. These parents come from backgrounds where everyone is expected to excel academically. But more importantly, they come from environments where children are berated and made to feel inferior for their lack of academic success. Simple mathematics, of course, dictates that the majority will not be the top students in their peer group, and so the majority will have experienced being bullied for not doing well in school.
People react to bullying in different ways, but one common reaction is to become bullies themselves. And that is the reason that abusive authoritarian Asian parents behave in the way that they do, not because they are acting in what they perceive to be their child’s best interests.
I have written previously about how my parents’ reaction to my academic success was to punish me out of jealousy and revenge. Two anecdotes bear repeating here. My father’s reaction to my receiving praise from my teachers and peers, being nominated for awards and offered opportunities unavailable to other students, and so on, was not pride, but rage. He repeatedly took steps to prevent me from continuing to be academically successful. When my mother learned that I was receiving praise and becoming noticed for my teaching, she repeatedly called me at work to insist that I stop being a good teacher. If they had been motivated by my well-being, then what explains their behaviour which is clearly so detrimental to it?
You may say that these are just two exceptional instances and that abusive parents are generally looking out for their children’s welfare. But the point is that anyone who has actually lived through an abusive upbringing can easily come up with hundreds of such anecdotes from their own experience, and instinctively knows that their parents act to satisfy their own emotional needs, rather than (and even at the expense of) the welfare of their child.
Perhaps you are resistant to the idea that parents could act selfishly and put their own interests ahead of their child’s because it’s horrifying to you. But reality does not change regardless of your feelings about it. It is a fact that there are selfish people in the world, and it is a fact that there are bullies in the world. Since parents come from every segment of society, it follows that some parents will be selfish and some will be bullies.
People who have been abused as children need to learn to trust their own instincts as a part of the recovery process. To insist to abused children that their parents are motivated by their best interests when they instinctively know otherwise is to tell them to suppress their instincts, which is very damaging.
- Nobody benefits from exposing or criticising abusive parents.
On the contrary, nothing could be more important for society. Abused children need to see that it’s okay to express their emotions, and that their feelings aren’t wrong, contrary to what society normally tells them.
Many of the world’s human-made problems are caused at least partially by authoritarian parenting. A child’s parents are his or her first authority figures, and how he or she relates to them will have a bigger impact than anything else on how he or she relates to authority, power, and society for the rest of his or her life. There are numerous studies in the scholarly literature linking abusive parenting with substance abuse and addiction, violence and criminality, juvenile delinquency, and other anti-social and self-destructive behaviours. I’m not claiming that if society changed overnight, and it suddenly became acceptable to openly criticise one’s parents for abusive parenting, that these problems would disappear. But the suppression of natural and justified emotions by societal taboo does not do society any good. Suppressed emotion does not just disappear. They simply surface elsewhere, oftentimes as rage, and mostly directed at people other than their original objects.
I believe that suppressed rage against abusive parents is an important factor behind much of the conflict in the world. Alice Miller, in “For Your Own Good”, has documented how many of Adolph Hitler’s actions as an adult can be traced to childhood traumas suffered at the hands of his father. Furthermore, she demonstrated how pre-WWII Germany became susceptible to a dictatorship because of the prevalence of authoritarian parenting which insisted on deference to power and authority. Or, to consider a more recent example, to what extent was George W. Bush’s overthrow of Saddam Hussein motivated by a desire to avenge himself on a father who had made him feel inferior while he was growing up? Incidentally, Saddam Hussein was also abused by his stepfather as a child.
How many of the world’s conflicts are actually symptoms of suppressed rage against parental abuse and oppression? Why do so many people feel the need to disparage entire groups based on religion, ethnicity, or politics, completely out of proportion with any actual disagreements or differences? I think that much of it can be explained in terms of bullying: people who are bullied by their parents must vent their frustrations on others, because society forbids them from directing their rage where it properly belongs. I grew up listening to my father rant about how entire populations of millions of people deserved to die merely because they were born into the wrong group. While some people puzzle over how ordinary German soldiers could have followed orders to exterminate so many of their fellow human beings, I know exactly the type of person who would do such a thing.
There are also many clear examples of abusive parenting in the world of entertainment, which one can easily see on the front pages of the tabloids. There are numerous celebrities whose upbringing by abusive parents is a matter of public record, such as Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, and Tiger Woods. The fact that their upbringing by abusive parents, which is clearly the cause of their psychological problems, is ignored (or at best treated as a footnote) by the media which loves to endlessly discuss every other aspect of their personal lives illustrates the pervasiveness of the taboo against criticising parents no matter how bad they are.
The argument that parental immunity to criticism is necessary to the social order has been made in the past for other societal taboos, and it is just as insubstantial as in those cases. People used to argue that society would collapse if wives no longer dutifully obeyed their husbands, or if slavery were abolished. Society has been better off since these changes, and I think it will be better off still if it stopped coming to the defense of abusive parents. Denial has never helped anyone, and people can’t get help until they admit that they have a problem and are clear on what that problem is.
- You are a terrible person.
Abusive parents often tell their children that they are terrible people if they question their authority. I remember when I was growing up that my parents would repeatedly tell me that I should be ashamed whenever I disobeyed them.
The only reason you would say that I am a terrible person for speaking out against child abuse is if you were abused as a child yourself, and are in denial about what was done to you. There is nothing bad or shameful in defying authority or exposing injustice. If your reaction to my writings about being abused as a child is to tell me that I’m a terrible person, I suggest a long, hard look inside yourself.
- One day you’ll have children.
The implication here seems to be that by disobeying my own parents and openly criticising them for being child abusers, my own children will one day turn against me. But why would they, if I don’t abuse them? (And if I do, then they should.)
Yes, one day I will have children. And I hope for my children to live in a world where anyone is free to speak out against injustice and tyranny, no matter who the perpetrator.
– davinci
Hello, I greatly admire your honesty, independence of thought, and courage in attacking the social paradigm I have called the cult of the family. You’ve been very patient and considerate with people less far sighted than yourself by writing so expansively on the topic as well.
When you say that your parents were emotionally abusive, and your critics say that you should show your parents more tolerance, pity, forgiveness, ask them what tolerance, pity, or forgiveness your parents had shown you. Your parents were absolutely intolerant and abusive, so when you refuse to tolerate abuse, why is it that people choose to criticize you and not your parents?
To say it differently, your parents harmed a powerless and innocent child (involuntary), and now you write about your honest experience and thoughts on a blog people which people may read VOLUNTARILY – and they choose to morally criticize your ethics, and not your parents. When your parents made you feel small, cheap, and worthless where were your critics to defend you?
In our society NO ONE goes to the aid of abused children, but everyone stands ready to turn vitriol on any children who speak out against abuse and evil. Child abuse is the greatest present social evil left in the world, and it takes a lot of courage to stand up against it.
I think you might enjoy the following youtube series
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbiq2-ukfhM&feature=relmfu
Hi,
Thanks for your encouragement.
Interesting video, I just watched it and it says a lot of the same things I’ve written about.
– davinci
QED:
What you have read is just one side of a story. Don’t pass judgment before you hear from the poor parents. Just like many cases of rapes in the law courts, it is always a matter of “he said she said” thing.
Things are not always as simple as it appears to be from the account of one party.
This guy’s way of treating his parents is definitely “parent abuse” in every sense of the term.
Even if his parents “abused” him as he alleged, it does not mean that it is right for him to “abuse” his parents in revenge!
Apparently, this guy got along with his parents relatively well before he turned “emotionally depressed” in his late twenties. It also seemed that his parents financially supported him well into his graduate school.
Was there a story that triggered his emotional depression other than his childhood experience? Research has shown that emotional depression can be caused by a multitude of factors: genetic, life style, work-related stress, breaking up of relationship with boy/girl friend, childhood experience, experience at other stages of life, death of members of family, etc.
To blame one’s emotional problem solely on his/her childhood experience is absolutely simplistic.
This guy quoted the writing of someone who said that abusive parents become abusive because they were abused in their childhood. He then concluded this was the reason why his parents were abusive to him.
If such argument was valid, is it logical to infer that this guy, himself being an “abused” child, would become an abuse father one day?
Although I cannot concur with the saying that “most advice about child abuse is wrong”, I would refrain from trusting the words of one side of the story.
In this context, I do hope that this guy’s parents are aware of this posting, and respond by giving their side of the story accordingly.
I think some people just don’t understand how parents could be abusive because of their own upbringing, so assume the person who speaks out about abuse is just over reacting. Also, I think child abuse makes people feel uncomfortable (especially if they have repressed issues themselves), so it can gain a reaction of trying to sweep it under the carpet. It is quite bizarre though the lack of empathy you get from some people in regard to this subject, perhaps some people just never grow out of the phase of seeing their parents as infallible god like beings, and always view their parents as their superiors.
Hi,
I think people react the way they do because it’s been drilled into them by their parents since their birth that questioning parental authority is the worst thing that you can do. Child abuse is a very emotional subject for people, and it makes people angry, and when people are angry they become unable to empathise.
– davinci
I was psychologically abused and it took me 20 years in therapy to feel better.
I have a blog about mental health, the harms of psychiatric drugs, and I knew many people.
Some of them were sexually abused when a child and even after having a family and children of their own they struggle to recover.
Psychological abuse is difficult to people understand because the scars are inside you and not in your body but it’s hard to believe that people don’t know about it.
Do you know R. D. Laing? He was a psychologist and psychiatrist, later became antipsychiatry, and wrote some very good books.
In The Self and the Others” he shows how families can lead someone on the verge of insanity.
One of the concepts he took from Bateson “double-bind”, when someone says something with the voice but another with the body, for instance, alone is something that is very harmful for children.
I was exposed to it and also lies and other stuffs.
Maybe some people only see mothers as the stereotyped good woman who loves their children unconditionally and does whatever it takes to make their children happy, well and so on.
Come on… is Seventh Heaven still at the TVs?
Denying abusive mothers is not understanding part of human condition.
Grow up you all!
Hi, Ana Luiza,
I’ve heard his name before, but I don’t know very much about him.
I hadn’t realised that “double-bind” had been studied so extensively. That’s a very useful term to describe a lot of the communication from my biological parents.
– davinci
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
This is just what I’ve been needing to hear. I’ve been struggling with emotional abuse from my own parents, and I keep hearing all those criticisms. I’ve never been able to reach out and ask for help from any adult exactly because of that—I’m afraid I’ll be told I’m wrong, I’m just a stupid teenager who doesn’t like to be disciplined, they really care about me, I’m just overreacting, just deal with it… I guess it’s because I’ve been invalidated so much in my life it’s just what I expect. To the point where I’ve kind of convinced myself that they’re not /really/ abusive.
But your words are making it clearer and clearer for me. Especially the phrase “acts of kindness do not cancel out acts of cruelty”. I’ve been struggling a while with that, thinking that because my parents support me and take care of all my physical needs and have on occasion cared about my feelings, (about three or four times that I can think of in the last couple of years) that the things they do aren’t abusive.
I’ll say right now that what I’m going through is nowhere near as bad as what you went through. And I suppose that’s another reason I keep convincing myself I’m wrong; it’s not as bad as everything else I hear about, so I somehow figure it must be okay and normal.
But the more I read stuff like this, the more I realize that what I’m being put through isn’t right. And I’m sure there are a lot of people who will tell me I’m wrong. But knowing that there are people like you who believe this kind of parenting is wrong… well, it helps. It’s given me a little more courage, and maybe I can finally reach out to someone and ask for help. Again, thank you. ♥
Hi, Rachel,
You’re very welcome. I strongly urge you to get help from a school counsellor. Most schools should have staff on hand who are trained to discuss exactly these issues. Also feel free to contact me here.
I’m glad that you wrote. When I first started writing publicly about my abusive upbringing, I wasn’t sure that it would matter to anyone. When I hear from people like you that my writing was helpful to them, it helps to balance out some of the vitriol that I also receive.
– davinci
I am a successful survivor of extreme childhood abuse.
Your words are inspirational, uplifting and I believe 100% accurate.
Throughout my life I was constantly given advise by people like what you have written about. It is damaging. It is wrong. I am lucky to have found a wonderful and insightful therapist who thinks like you and also like me, and has helped me heal tremendously.
Yes, most people who give this advice are in denial. Admitting the truth would mean that they would have to accept that their own parents were abusive, most are yet to have the strength to do so and some never will. The other people who give this advice, thankfully for them, have never had to endure the trauma abusive parents inflict.
Take care and keep on writting.
Thanks for writing, Melissa.
– davinci
I received the update by e-mail. I wish I could take care of all of you because I know it is not easy. Hugs
(((((((((HUG MELISSA)))))))))
(((((((((HUG RACHEL))))))))))
I’m 52 years-old and sometimes I really wish I had the hug of one of my parents.
But it never happened. Yes, there were hugs but I didn’t feel them as such.
It hurts and sometimes it aches, physically, in the chest.
Take good care of yourselves and please TRUST YOURSELF.
You are not being treated the right and good way. You are not wrong. We never doubt when in the middle of a family that really cares for us.
Love yourself and find help and friends. This is the best time to make friends cause you will need them when you get older. If you consolidate friendship now you will have people to trust for the rest of your lives.
Love,
Ana
I still didn’t the post for today. I will write about this post of yours DaVinci.
I’ll put the link for it. It is very important and you did a very accurate and good description.
Thank you very much for that.
No. I can’t because I wrote too personal information. I don’t want people to know anything about me.
I’ll try to find another way.
very very good. and yes people attack you. its interesting sometimes when you say ‘my parent did x to me’… how many loons are out there to tell you it didn’t really happen. its best just to have a quiet faith in your own truth… however, getting to the point of having a truth is complex and requires time… some people will attack a deep issue so shallowly… they get others to join in with ‘support’ for thier particular belief…
they are the reason bullying and cruelty prevail today… education and the promotion and or access of honest material is the only solution.
thanyou for your articles davinci… you are gifted with your approaches. your posts balance the right amount of emotion and detail to be influential and clear…
i hope you are getting mostly supportive replies because as a person who had a mother with a mental illness (she kept secret) and drinking problem… a mother who let my other siblings do whatever they wanted and only attacked me… your post is spot on… i cannot talk to my family today because they insit how my mom treated me was supportive… she did cruel things to me and it became normal… so the family joined in… i developed a victim mentality and continued to be bullied until i had a major mental breakdown… from there had access to psycologists… i was able to reconstruct my life… i was formally diagnosed with PTSD and major depression including psychotic features.
my point is… how these people think and how my family treated me made me think i was doomed, less than, destined to be less.. when infact without stress, i have a very high iq and am now very successful….
Hi, Pookie,
Thanks for your comments. I get both supportive and unsupportive comments. The latter used to bother me, but now I’ve learned to just delete them.
– davinci
You were talking about “truth”.
Truth cannot be fabricated. Fabrication cannot be turned truth.
Don’t delete unsupportive comments. Give your readers an opportunity to see the issue from different perspective.
This is your blog and you have every right to delete what you don’t like. However, you lose your high ground and dignity by keeping comments that you like, and comments that “bother” you.
What a great man you are!
“developed a victim mentality and continued to be bullied until i had a major mental breakdown… from there had access to psycologists… i was able to reconstruct my life… i was formally diagnosed with PTSD and major depression including psychotic features.”
Pookie,
I hope you came back. Diagnosed PTSD, major depressioan and psychotic features… hmmm…
“Major mental breakdown”… I had one when I was 29 years old and the psychiatrist told me I needed therapy not medicines.
I hope you’re not taking medicines because they don’t help.
ANtiderpessants don’t help.
It is clear that what you need is therapy… not pills.
Take good care dear.
Your psychiatrist is dead wrong to say that you need therapy but not medicine.
For your treatment, you need an appropriate combination of:
1. medication;
2. self understanding of the illness and hence learning the ways to deal with it (e.g. change life style, foods to eat, exercise, etc.);
3. communication with family members;
4. join support group.
You use medication but will gradually reduce the dosage, as you have rightly pointed out, medication has side effects.
daVinci,
I’m glad this post is helping people.
I feel like publishing it at my blog.
Me too.
– davinci
Hi,
Thank you for posting such great article. It’s something I have been looking for for many years.
I come from Asian family as well. I totally understand what you have been through. All I can remember about my childhood is my mom’s yelling and beating because of my bad grades. My parents keep telling me that I am useless,stupid and can’t ever do anything right even till this day. I guess when you hear something like this long enough, you start to believe what they say it’s true. It has terrible effect on my job, my personality and my relationship with others.
I am glad that you finally get over it and find the courage to speak it out loud. I tried to open up to my friends and hoped to find some comfort in them, and instead I got the same responses just like you did, which really hurt me deeply. That’s why I don’t really tell anyone about it anymore.
Your article really gives me a good reason to keep fighting.
Thank you so much.
Michelle
I’m glad that this article has helped you.
– davinci
Having been “abused” (as you alleged) does not automatically give you the right to abuse your parents in revenge. The way you treated your parents is definitely parent abuse, which is WRONG.
The “your parents raised you” is an absolutely abhorrent argument. Masters housed their slaves and provided food, did they not?
Culture is a dumb one as well. The Aztecs made human sacrifices as part of their culture. I suppose that’s the next thing those hardasses will be supporting.
Hi, I truly feel for those who have grown up in abusive households. I know several people who have never gotten past that horrible experience. Good article!
Finally someone with enough insight to lay out the truth about abuse. Double bind communication, threats, and curses are classic forms of psychological manipulation that psychopaths use to ensnare victims. The abused child will grow into adulthood falling for every trick in the book. Have the courage to stand your ground and be hated. Give yourself what you need. My mother is asian. Her methods are diabolical to say the least. None of her children come to see her because she is so full of vitrol and evil
We see that she is weak and has rejection issues but that is not our fault
The damage has been done on me
live your life for you and be happy. Create strong boundaries around yourself and never let them be crossed. Most importantly trust your instincts. At age 37 I have finally closed my heart to my mother. I see her lack of control as weak and pathetic. Her selfish desires for glory and her bravado of her accomlishments are feeble attempts to hold on to control over people. Despair comes to those whom have a mind of their own
When you don’t agree with her views she will undermine and slander you then when you do agree with her she will backtrack and hold you at fault. These mothers are so sick. Don’t be fooled they care for no one except themselves. Fuck that evil bitch. But just wait. In the end the first shall be last and the last shall be first.
You want to “fuck” your mother whom you call an evil “bitch”?
Man, you are sick to the bottom of your soul.
Right, your mother is a bitch, and you are by default the son-of-bitch. How appropriately have you described yourself.
This is exactly the kind of sick messages that should be deleted, not the “unsupportive” ones that provide a different perspective of the issue which do not concur with your view.
Thank you for this. Especially the point that abusers choose to abuse. That is so easy to forget.
It seems like there is nothing people hate more than a victim of abuse or assault. On a website, I anonymously confessed the abuse I experienced growing up. The first thing they wanted to know is if I had forgiven my dad, and I was scolded because I hadn’t. Nobody expects him to make any effort to repair the damage he has done. Nobody even expects him to acknowledge what he has done or apologize for it. Yet I’m expected to forgive him.
How many people knew about your abuse and did nothing? So many teachers, doctors, neighbours, classmates’ parents, etc must have known about mine. My mom and I always had bruises and some paper thin excuse for why we got each one. I showed all the signs of an abused child. But I’m so utterly worthless that the three minutes it would take to call Child Protective Services isn’t worth it to stop a little girl from getting regularly beaten, locked in a chest, and submitted to degrading acts.
A guy I was dating had a sister who was raped. She was considering whether she should report it, and he put on his authoritative professor voice and lectured about how she would have to be evil and vicious to “ruin his life like that.” She did report it in the end and she became a pariah in the community. Everyone was calling her a “slut,” and acting like the rapist was some poor innocent victim.
From all of this, I have learned one thing in life: that people loathe and abhor victims. When people discover a victim, they instinctively need to pour more abuse onto them. It’s no wonder so many people choose to be abusive when abusers get so much sympathy and care.
Hi, Julie,
Thanks for sharing your story. I agree: society needs to change so that it becomes socially unacceptable to be abusive, instead of it being socially unacceptable to admit to being the recipient of abuse.
– davinci
I too had abusive parents. What’s sad is that the whole family becomes dysfunctional.
I am basically estranged from my siblings who want me to stay in the role my parents gave me – the scapegoat. So basically, I have no family support; the opposite, in fact…
I agree with your article. Philip Guo is wrong.
He evidently does not grasp the Asian concept of “face”. To “save face”, the abusive Asian parent will always project a “self-sacrificing”, “I only want the best for my child” BS show for those “outside the family”.
Within the family and away from the risk of public embarrassment, their true colors emerge. When you decide to cut off all relations, they only “care” when it’s around some “public event”, like Chinese New Year and when everyone will be asking, “so what is your son doing?”.
People often forget that even bitches and assholes sometimes end up having kids. The mean, horrible, unkind sorts who evoke whispers like, “I pity THEIR kids” …
Yeah, those sorts DO have kids. In fact, they often have kids because they have material, lame-ass reasons like, “what if no one cares for me in my old age cause I’m such a mean-spirited shithead”. I am almost certain no Asian parent will ever openly admit that to anyone.
The kids deserve pity, not the parents. The kids didn’t ask to be born.
He means well, but it is very difficult for someone who hasn’t gone through the experience to understand it.
– davinci
You “pity” their kids.
I pity more, much more, your parents for having given birth to a thankless animal like you.
You “pity” their kids.
I pity more, much more, your parents for having given birth to a thankless animal like you.
Go cry somewhere else. I have gotten OCD,BDD,Major Depression and was on the verge of suicide. We are humans too I thanked them all the time. Now you go screw yourself.
Thank you so much for writing this, davinci. It’s refreshing to see a rebuttal of the dismissive, “just get over it” advice I hear from everyone else. Perhaps, sadly, only a fellow sufferer of such abuse can truly understand why that typical advice is woefully inadequate. My own mother was physically and emotionally abusive to the point where I was suicidal starting at age eight–and she didn’t care. Her abuse has stunted me mentally and emotionally and it is so hard to connect with people and feel anything positive about myself. I have chronic self-hatred that I can’t shake, and just over a year ago I tried to kill myself (the attempt failed only because of faulty equipment, not because I decided to live; I wish I could find a painless, dignified way to take my life). People don’t understand that parents can be bullies just like a classmate, but it is far worse because parents are supposed to be people you turn to for unconditional love and support. I had no parental support (my dad was always working), I had cruel sisters who made fun of my physical appearance and problems, I had no friends because my mom isolated me and I was extremely shy. No one to turn to for support. I am so angry that my mom got away with it. I am even angrier because she was able to win an unconscionably massive $750,000 divorce settlement from my dad (whose only sin was not being around much; he never hit her)–but what compensation did I get from her years of physical and emotional abuse? Nothing. I want to have the courage like you to put my mother’s name up on the internet and declare to the world that she was a child abuser. I really wish I could do this and get away with it. What will it take for the courts to recognize that children of abusive parents should be able to seek damages?
Hi, Jennifer,
Thanks for sharing your story. Are you getting or have you gotten professional help, such as counselling? There are always people you can turn to for support.
– davinci
Counseling is incredibly expensive and frankly lame. I’ve been to at least a dozen counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists over the years and not a single one has helped me. Something not a lot of people realize is that, at least in the early years of abuse, abused children believe that they are to blame for the abuse, they feel like they deserve it–so they don’t even see it as something wrong, and therefore won’t even bring up in a therapy session the fact that they are being abused. And most therapists are too stupid to figure this out. As a child I did see a couple therapists here and there but I never told them I was being abused because I didn’t even see it as bad–I felt I deserved it for being such a stupid, ugly little girl. I’ve never understood how therapists can get around this problem because they have nothing to go by except what the child says. It would be far better for them to see hidden videos of what goes on in the child’s house.
Hi jennifer,
I too tried many therapists and was disappointed to find that they were not as supportive as I thought they would be. but, finally I found the one after trying many. this woman i’m seeing now is great and she really cares and understands and gives great advice. don’t give up looking for that one person that can help you work through it. I know it’s hard I’ve been there, actually I’m still there. but at least found someone to stand with me this time.
hmm… I am not so sure having good intentions = being right, beneficial or helpful. it’s the kind of logic witch hunters and parents who force their daughters to marry their rapists use. if a counsellor told a rape victim, you need to empathize with your rapist, I think they would probably lose their license or worse, push someone over the edge.
Your post makes a lot of sense. Have you considered therapy? I had the same upbringing to a T. When I left home to become an adult I thought I could resolve these issues on my own. Sadly I became a control freak in my relationships when things didnt go my way. I ended up hurting others very badly and myself. Things I regret deeply as I never wanted to be abusive like my parents. I find that I still have a lot of pent up anger from the abuse at home. It’s hard for me to get close to people and although I look fine outside I suffer from serious depression. I hope to go through therapy to make myself better. I think your parents perhaps suffered from depression and had limited support network. That is why they took it out on you. I still feel anger at both parents and question why they had children in the first place. I never saw my father smile in his life. Now in his old age he has a lot of bitterness. Both parents hated each other and my mom ended up passing away early. She was abusive as well. What both parents lacked was maturity. They were both kids trapped in an adults body and used reactive emotion instead of logic to deal with problems. Growing up they were selfish and expected me as a child to fulfill all their needs and listen to their problems. Successful relationships take a lot of maturity. My parents were jealous of my hardwork too and nagged nonstop about my grades but also went into a rage if I took classes like French or art bc they thought I was having fun. They didnt think that life should be a balance of work and play. It seemed like a bad habit for them to suffer and whine but they loved it. I also know they didnt do well at school and my dad was a spoiled brat dropout. Asian upbringing can be good and bad. They have no passion and repress themselves about their needs from an early age. At the same time they make a lot of sacrifices for family and tolerate a lot of disappointments compared to Westerners who bail out when things don’t go their way. My only wish is that my parents should’ve been less extreme and enjoy life more. Asians can be so extreme either black or white. Like you have to study but you shouldnt hang out with friends or have bf/gf at the same time. They never realise that the real skill in life is BALANCE. To manage work,family,friends together. Even to this day my aunt says to me not to make a boyfriend bc it will interfere with my job. Retard!
Hi,
As an abused child myself, I admire your honesty and I have to say that you spoke most of what I came to find myself. I was abused physically and emotionally for most of my childhood and was told not to talk about it with anyone. But, I decided the right thing to do was to stand against the abuse. one thing I would like to add to your list is that:
–some abused children are often told that God gave their parents the power to discipline them however they see fit and therefore the manipulate the children in thinking that it’s ok to be abused because that’s how God wants it. BUT, I discovered through my life over and over again that God is only kind and there is no exception to this at all. therefore, I realized that any abusive person is following satan and not God. and I speak for myself when I say I do not and will not obey what satan wants me to.
As an abused child, I understand the struggle you have been through and know how hard it is to fight abuse when you’re the only one fighting it. the truth is there is so much resistance and too many forces working against us. As a science lover myself, I learned that when you don’t have any gravity, any thing bigger than you will pull you in that direction, UNLESS YOU STAND UP AND EARN YOUR OWN STATUS AND GRAVITY ANF BECOME A FORCE YOURSELF–A FORCE FOR THE GOOD AND A FORCE FOR THE TRUTH.
I found your site when I was analyzing my feelings about my birth father and whether my emotional position of apathy was “working” for me or not. Several experiences throughout my life have created a conscious and unconscious fear of loving and/or being loved by heterosexual men.
-My birth father and mother were married twice. The first time they divorced by my 2nd birthday and I had no recollection of him. My mother remarried and my 1st step-father was physically abusive to the point I stopped crying by age four when he would use the belt on me.
-My mother remarried my birth father and he sexually abused me from age 12 to mid-teens and then they divorced a 2nd time.
-My 3rd step-father got my mother pregnant when I was 17 and I was told I was not welcome to live with them…so I moved in with my grandmother.
- The only man in my life up to that point that ever showed me unconditional love was my grandfather (my mother’s father). He died in my arms from an apparent heart attack when I was 15. By the time I got to him, I was unable to resuscitate him.
-Married in my early 20’s to, yet another emotionally and physically abusive man- I divorced him by age 26.
-Dated my 2nd husband for 5 years, got married. He had drug and alcohol problems that came out later in the relationship. He was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. He was in treatment but ended up dying from accidental death caused by a combined drug intoxication complicated by a secondary case of bronchial pneumonia. Toxicology showed that he had no illegal drugs or alcohol in his system and that all prescribed medications were at prescribed levels. They just put him in a dangerously sedated state and he aspirated from the fluid in his lungs. We were separated at the time and I found him, tried to resuscitate him but he was already gone.
SO…love, up to that point, meant being beaten, sexually abused, and abandoned or a sense of loss.
I confronted my birth father in my mid-thirties and included his wife in the conversation. He denied any wrong doing and she sided with him. In a previous conversation years earlier, when I asked him to stop what he was doing, to admit he was wrong and get help- he refused. I told him that I knew what he did was not only wrong, but illegal and that he could be in trouble what he did. He had the audacity to tell me it was past the point of statute of limitations. That’s when I decided to cut him out of my life. He became dead to me and I have not spoken to him since 1994. I “outted” him to the rest of the family, they have all sided with me and he no longer has contact with anyone with the exception of one of his sisters.
When I think of him, I feel nothing. I have no desire to have anything to do with him because he is, or was, incapable of being a healthy part of my life. What I DO want to do is figure out whether my experience with him is still impeding me psychologically from having a healthy, loving, lasting relationship.
Since my husband passed 14 years ago, I have had two, one year long relationships. I have many long term loving, wonderful relationships with family, girlfriends and gay guy friends but have not been capable of experiencing that with a straight man. There seems to be a block there.
Recently, I have been contemplating my spiritual side more and more. Not religions per se’ but myself as a spiritual being. My spiritual revelations are making me more aware of the connectedness of all things. After much thought, I’m wondering about the possibility of any subconscious anger or hatred of him having an impact on me and the possibility of this manifesting in subconscious self-loathing, making me feel incapable or unworthy of experiencing real love. I wonder whether I’m unconsciously sabotaging possible relationships out of the fear of having the same results I experienced as a child and young adult. Seems totally possible and probable…but I can’t quite nail what it is that I’m doing exactly! Consciously, I feel like I’ve been very open minded and welcoming of having a loving relationship in my life.
I don’t know if this is just my fate, to be alone for such a long time or whether I need to work on changing some part of myself in order to be able to connect with a man in a way that I never have before. I strongly desire this in my life- though I’m not chasing it by any stretch. I’m not desperate. I’m just kind of waiting for it to happen naturally. It’s kind of funny at this point, but if I hear “Just when you least expect it, it will happen” I’m going to lose it…just kidding really.
I have resolved my issues with both of my step-fathers and they have stepped up and at least have tried to make amends for how things were when I was a child. My mother struggles with her part in this- though I’ve never outwardly blamed her for what transpired. I don’t think I needed to. I did communicate all the things that “went wrong” to her and I left it for her to reconcile within herself, what her role was in that. She almost seems to try to overcompensate as she gets older by sending cards all the time and little financial gifts…fairly often lately. They are not wealthy by any means. It makes me wonder if something is wrong…like a health issue she is not sharing.
So, where am I going with all this? What is my question? I’m trying to figure out how I can proactively correct any negative behaviors that are impacting my ability to have a relationship. It seems as though I’m dealing with subconscious behavior…so how do you bring subconscious thoughts and behaviors to the surface where you can deal with them?
I’ve gone to counseling and a couple different therapists over that last 12 years. The last one I went to was to help me deal with a stress related issue. After I explained my life to her in great detail, she thought I was amazingly together for all the traumatic experiences that I’ve dealt with. I’ve worked on my “self” a lot and I don’t know where to go from here. I am a very happy, content, engaged person otherwise…just miss having a close loving, intimate relationship.
Regards, Anon
Hi, Anon,
Thanks for sharing your story. I don’t know the answer to your question about dealing with subconscious thoughts and behaviours. I don’t think there is one answer that works for everybody, each person has to find his or her own way that works for them.
– davinci
If you’re a girl, your parents call you a bitch, whore, slut, or lesbo. If you’re a boy, your parents call you loser, fag, stupid, or crybaby.
This is so REFRESHING! FINALLY someone is saying something about this issue! I am so tired of my life sometimes, I am in a vulnerable position where I guess through social engineering and society`s expectations, I am a passive person to aggression and as a result I am often taken advantage of or am victim of bullying quite often. My father was first the main abuser until my mother got a better job and started making more than him. She then took the role of the and my father fears her now, leaving her to abuse the rest of the family. Sick, very sick. It is really difficult as I am an adult now and I have developed many anxiety problems due to my childhood. It’s a sick, because my parents hope for me to have a family one day, it’s quite laughable as I never want to have children. My biggest fear is that abused children become the parent bullies they have been brought up with. I am going to seek help through therapy but I do feel resentful that I did not have a loving and supportive family to turn to. One thing I have learned through life, is “Blood is NOT thicker than water”. I don’t know if religion is something that will help me but lately the word of god has been calling to me. We shall see in good time but thank you so much for your post. It’s a crazy world out there and I am glad I am not alone on this. I hope to read more of your posts.
I am always curious how low human nature can go. After seeing your blog I think I have found the answer. The way you treated your parents is the absolute lowest point of human nature! Period.
Continue to blame your parents for your failure.
I have also had a father who was physically and verbally and a mother who allowed this. I today suffer from major pannic attacks and other health issues. There was a time when we talked again for a couple of years but the bad feelings reappear
I like to say a little more. My father would beat me for the stupidest things. I once was helping the family clean the basement and got hit with hot wheel tracks. My back bled and scars developed. My father would many times called me stupid, worthlesss, and so on. If my father saw me having a good time, he would say something like, having a good time? I would get angy and rebel back which would only get me a more severe beating. I would be thrown into walls or be sat on on the floor, or stomped on, his two hands would hit each side of my head with so much force. Once I bought a girl friend of mine a gift for her birthday, he would take it away I would rebel Just to mention a few cases, my mother watched and did nothing. At 17 I ran away from home, after being beat in the bathtub. I never returned. I am now 50, recently talked to them few a times. Old feeling only reappear
Having been “abused” (as you alleged) in your childhood does not automatically give you the right to abuse your parents in revenge.
The way you treated your parents is definitely parent abuse, which is WRONG.
CHILD ABUSE IS WRONG, SO IS PARENT ABUSE.
Two wrongs do not, and will not, make things right.
Emotional problems or mental illnesses are caused by many factors. Unhappy childhood experiences such as abuse is only one of them.
How can you be so sure that your emotional problem is caused by your “abusive” parents alone?
Did your life style play a part? Did your work- or study-related stress play a part? Did your breaking up with an intimate girl friend play a part?
Continuing to blame your parents for your emotional problems only perpetuates your emotional problems. It won’t help you get back your mental health, and perhaps your physical health as well.
Forgiving and understanding are the best medicines to heal abused child-abused parent relationship. There is absolutely no place for pseudo-scientific observations that only serve to prolong the hatred, and hence the mental illness, on the part of the abused sufferers (who include both abused children and abused parents).
On this ground I concur with the proposition that advice about child abuse is not always correct.
1- ““abused” (as you alleged)” – if you don’t believe in the feelings people wrote here you shouldn’t say anything.
Nobody is seeking for revenge. This is your distorted view on the subject.
2- who is pareting abusing here? Don’t be ridiculous.
3- saying that emotional problems are caused by many factors is a truism. Spare us.
4- why do you doubt what people are saying?
5- claiming that life style, work, study stress or breaking up with a person is the reason? It’s laughble. Have some dignity!
6 – you repeat the same over and over.
7 – you talk about pseudo-science. Nobody here is talking about scientific data but if you think that Freud and all the others are a fraud it is your problem
Try reading some good psychologists and good psychiatrists. R. D. Laing is a good start. You can also read Deleuze’s Anti_oedipus you’ll like what he has to say to you.
7 – Forgiving and understanding? You said that if a person don’t forgive and understand will prolong the mental illness? Now you decided that the problem is real? Funny.
You’re a genius! You found the cure for mental illness and all emotional problems.
Do you know the difference between neurosis and psychosis?
The solution is forgiving and understanding?
Understading is what many people do in therapy for years.
You should start giving workshops since you say that the solution is forgiving and understanding: “Understanding and forgiving the child abuses.” onlu for those who have been abused not the parents who took great care of their children.
8- Get a life! Stop trolling people’s blog with nonsense.
This is a serious issue for those who have been abused.
Have you ever talked to someone, men or woman, who was sexual abused when a child?
Here are some links for you:
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Was-Sexually-Abused-As-A-Child/81930
http://web4health.info/en/answers/sex-abuse-effects.htm
9- Show some self-respect and stop harassing people who are talking about a problem you don’t know. Or… are you or were you a father who abused your child and want forgiveness and acceptance?
If so, ask for some help and leave others alone.
You don’t deserve all this attention since you are trolling this post with no arguments, you are saying nothing…
Can you see da Vinci that you’re letting garbage spoil your post?
It is not fair.
Last time I come here.
Can’t you block Frank Rodd from commenting? He sounds like a narcissist who lacks empathy. Let him troll elsewhere.
Are you out of mind or are you on drug?
We live in a democracy in which free speech is a fundamental value, and you are talking about BLOCKING my comments that you don’t conform to your points of view?
Where were you born, brought up and educated to have such a funny idea of blocking other people from expressing views that you don’t like.
I am neither a narcissist nor do I lack empathy. In contrast, I responded to comments in this site because I AM interested in the issues and wish to express my opinion from a different perspective.
Truth always comes out of logical debate, not by blocking dissenting ideas. Do you get it?
Block my comments by all means if you can. But I can tell you this nonsensical move won’t give this site more credibility or integrity; it won’t make your view of points stronger — it only shows your weakness, cowardice and inability to stand up to open and reasoned debates with people of different voices.
By responding to your comment and giving you this lesson, I am actually putting money in your pocket.
Democracy? Freedom of speech?
Read about the Patriot Act, NDAA, SOPA and what’s going on in America.
It would be more valuable and you would be help more people.
Do you know that most blogs are moderated, don’t you?
It has nothing to do with freedom of speech.
It has to do wit RESPECT.
You write very beautiful arguments to defend a repugnant act you know quite well you’re doing here.
No, we don’t want any lessons from people who say that we were “alleged abused”.
Get a life.
Delete this comments for the sake of those who want to discuss what is being discussed:
Abusive parents and the traumas some people have to bear for the rest of their lives.
In law, any act committed by a person remains an “alleged act” before it has been substantiated and proven in court.
In real life, you cannot say “my parents abused me” and expect the whole world to believe that it is a matter of fact. In this is the case, it will be a very chaotic world.
Therefore, I don’t seen any problem with the used of the term “alleged abuse” in the comments.
Abusive parents cause pain and traumas to their children. This is absolutely wrong. I fully agree.
Abusive children cause pain and traumas to their parents. This is absolutely not right.
Both child abuse and parent abuse (also called elder abuse) are wrong, legally and morally.
I condemn parents who abuse their children, but I also condemn children who abuse their parents.
Having been abused by your parents in your childhood does not means that it is justifiable for you to abuse your parents in return when you grow up.
Other than abusing your parents as a revenge, there are other ways to overcome your pain and traumas.
You can not “forget”, but you can “forgive”. You have a choice, sir.
Is not forgiving the only way to overcome your traumas? If the answer is “yes”, continue to hate your parents and denounce them openly in the Internet in the hope that you will recover some day. If the answer is “no”, why not try to forgive and see what the result is.
To me (I stress, to ME only) hatred only serves to perpetuate one’s unhappiness, forgiving helps to relieve one’s anger.
A harmonized world is built on forgiveness, not on hatred.
Of course, this is my value of life, and I certainly cannot impose it on another other people, not even my sons or my daughters.
As an ordinary American citizen, I fully support Patriot Act, NDAA, SOPA, which are intended to protect Americans from being attached by terrorists and religion/political/racial fanatics. Now that we have these laws and acts in place, I sleep much more comfortably at night.
Child abuse is dead wrong, and so is parent/elder abuse.
Parent/elder abuse causes as much damage to the family and society as child abuse does. Both should be condemned and stopped.
You denounced Patriot Act, NDAA, SOPA for infringing on your freedom, that’s O.K. and I respect your opinion. How about your proposition to suppress differing opinions? This also infringes people’s freedom to express themselves. Why the double standard – one for yourself, and the other for other people?
We in the Western free world condemn China for Internet censorship. We should equally condemn anyone who advocate suppression of differing voices amongst ourselves.
Diversity of ideas is our strength, and the fundamental value of modern civilization.
Allowing differing ideas makes you stronger, suppressing differing ideas only reflects your weakness and your inability to stand up to reasoned and logical debates.
You were talking about RESPECT in your post. This RESPECT I guess includes respect of other people’s right to express themselves – whether the expression condemns child abuse, parent/elder abuse and/or both.
You cannot expect other people to respect you at the same time you fail/refuse to respect others.
Most of blogs are moderated. That’s fine is the owner of a particular blog wants to. However, the objectives of moderation should aim at ensuring civility in discussion: no promotion for hatred, no use of inappropriate languages, tolerance of diversity, etc. To block comments that you don’t like in the name of moderation is wrong. If you do this, what is the difference between you and China’s Communist Regime that we condemn?
You don’t like ideas that are not conformal to or compatible with yours. That’s fine and I respect your choice. Get use to them, otherwise your life will be very miserable. Open your mind and you will be much much happier. I hope you will accept this humble advice as the first step to understand the meaning and value of diversity and inclusiveness.
Mish:
Congratulations for your BOLD suggestion to block Frank Rodd’s comments. He is such a narcissist and lacks empathy who has no place in the real world of cyberspace where blocking differing opinions is the rule rather than the exception. You are apparently one of the bravest soles in this planet to try to do something (that is, blocking differing voices) that even Communist China has failed to do. Your parents must be very proud of having such a smart child like you. Good for them and good for you.
Mish:
There are better things to do in life other than mother-hating and suppressing opinions that you do not like. There is a great job waiting for you in Beijing, China. Just show the Chinese Commies your great suggestion here and they will give you a job to block dissenting voices they don’t want the world to hear. They will pay you well ’cause people with your caliber are hard to find even inside China itself.
Mish:
Your mother taught you to respect diversity of ideas and other people’s freedom of expression.
You thought that was an interference of your right not to like ideas that you don’t accept and your right to disrespect other people’s freedom of speech — and hence your mother was abusing you.
What a great mother-hater you are!
What is a narcissist?
Does empathy means concurrence of opinion?
I do not, and cannot, agree totally with Frank Rodd’s points of views but I resent any suggestions to block his comments. Whether or not you agree with him is one thing, taking away his right of expression is quite another.
Learn to respect other people’s opinions before you post. This blog is not only for mother-haters and father-haters. It is a forum for open and logical discussion of the issue of child abuse, and parent abuse for that matter.
Davinci was talking about DELETING “unsupportive” messages above, and you are now talking about BLOCKING “narcissistic” and “unempathic” messages. Are you folks out for lunch in the cyberworld? What are you folks afraid of to hear differing opinions on this subject? Common, grow up and be a person of integrity.
Child abuse is definitely wrong. However, there is also no place for parent abuse in this civilized world.
I concur with Frank Rodd that having been abused does not automatically entitle one to abuse his/her parents.
When you abuse your parents, like what many of the bloggers did in alleging or accusing what their parents did openly, you lose the moral high ground to denounce child abuse. If and when you were abused, report to the police, substantiate your allegation in the court, and let the prevailing laws of the land deal with it.
Like Mary-Ann, I find it resentful and disgusting for Mish to propose blocking comments expressing different opinions. I also find it unacceptable for the owner of this blog to say that he deleted unsupportive comments. If this is not Internet censorship, what is this?
I have no idea the owner of this blog is letting people change a serious debate into debauchery.
It has nothing to do with freedom of speech of censorship.
Trolls are not welcome and must be banned from any discussion.
The comments some people, same IP sometimes, has nothing to do with what is being discussed on the thread.
A good post was turned into a debauchery simply because people that has nothing to do with their lives want to create disagreement.
For those who are to exchange parenting abuses ignore these trolls and let’s keep discussing and helping each other.
Why don’t you moderate your blog da Vinci?
This is the best solution for everybody.
My blogs are moderated and many of my friend’s are because of these idiots.
Pacino:
Please check the meaning of “moderate (verb)” or “” moderation (noun)” in the dictionary.
The purposes of moderating a blog include, but is not limited to: (1) remove comments that advocate, for example, hatred toward a particular racial or social group; (2) ensure the use of appropriate (i.e. respectful and inclusive) languages, like not to use of the “f” word; (3) eliminating expressions that make people sick, such as mngalli above who wrote “Fuck that evil bitch” which I believe he referred to his own mother; (4) ensure the discussion is conducted in a civilized, reasoned, informed, impartial and educated manner, etc.
To remove or block opinions that you don’t like in the name of moderation is absurd. It is absolutely an abuse of the meaning of the term.
The fact that you, and “many of your friends” use moderation as the smoke screen to suppress opinions that you don’t agree with, does not means that this is the right thing to do, nor has it changed the meaning of the term “moderation” as a normal and educated person understand it. Who do you think you are?
Learn to respect other people and the diversity of views in your posting and, more importantly in your life. The fact that you called people whose comments you didn’t like “idiots” in you post shows exactly what kind of person you are. Was your lack of class caused by your parents’ abuse when you were nine years old? Also, please control your apparent anger and hot temper, which is harmful to your heart. I hope your anger and loss of temper was not caused by your father’s beating when you were eleven.
“I have no idea the owner of this blog is letting people change a serious debate into debauchery.”
If you “have no idea” of the intention of the owner of this blog, just shut up. Why did you urge the owner to ban some people from posting? Apparently this is NONE of your business.
“It has nothing to do with freedom of speech of censorship.”
You’re wrong. It has everything to do with freedom of speech and Internet censorship.
“…….. want to create disagreement.”
What “disagreement”? “Disagreement” with whom? I cannot care less whether you agree or disagree with me. My message is clear: Child abuse is wrong, and so is parent/elder abuse.
“Why don’t you moderate your blog da Vinci?”
Good question. I cannot answer on behalf of da Vince, but my guess is that his is not as narrow-minded as you are. You have a lot to learn from him.
“…… because of these idiots.”
Please learn to use appropriate civilized language in this blog. Have your parents and teachers ever taught you how to respect other people by not name-calling other people idiots? People who call others “idiots” are more likely to be real idiots than those people whom they all “idiots”. That is my observation in life.
“My blogs are moderated ….. ”
You have no idea about the meaning of “moderation”. If you think you do, you have most probably learned the meaning of the word “moderate” from a dictionary published in Communist China.
I am thankful i found this blog, this gives me the courage and assurance that i can overcome my situation. A year ago I had an argument with my mother which led me in telling her about my past. I was molested by three different men. I was shocked at her reaction instead of sympathy I received punches and slap on the face and worst I was even kicked out in the house during a winter blizzard with my 5 year old daughter. I left for a year. Now I came back because of financial reasons it has been only 3 months and yet she still constantly verbally abusing not only me but also my daughter. I am very concerned of my daughter’s well being. Its hard but I am trying to find ways to get out of here again. Oh God please help me.