Thirteen Abusive Behaviours

I recently came across this list of “Thirteen Abusive Behaviours”. While the list was about abuse between domestic partners, most of the thirteen abusive behaviours apply to abusive parent-child relationships as well.

I will list them and comment on each one in turn.

1. Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, pressures a new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

This doesn’t apply to parent-child relationships, since a person doesn’t choose his or her parents.

2. Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly. Prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.

I suppose that my parents were somewhat jealous of my relationships with my classmates’ parents and with my teachers, and they did occasionally prevent me from visiting my friends.

3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you are late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

My mother would always interrogate me about conversations I’ve had on the phone, where I’ve been, or what I did with my friends. My father expected me to ask for his permission before I went anywhere or did anything.

4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

Replace “mate” with “child”, “meet” with “obey”, and “need” with “command”, and you’ve got a perfect description of how traditional Chinese parents view their children (and what my parents expected of me).

5. Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who support you of “causing trouble.” May deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

My parents made it very difficult for me to spend time with my friends, and would continually criticise them behind their backs. My father would also repeatedly accuse my classmates’ parents and my teachers and professors who supported me of “distracting” me.

My parents have also been indirectly trying to prevent me from holding a job, by continually punishing me for doing the things that I needed to do in order to become a successful academic, although one could argue that this was not their intention.

6. Blames others for problems or mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.

My father was always blaming other people for things for which he was solely responsible, such as distracting me from my studies.

7. Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: Says, “You make me angry,” instead of, “I am angry,” or says, “You are hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”

My mother would often tell me that I was killing my father by making him angry.

8. Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

I think my father was worse than merely hypersensitive. He would go into a screaming rage about things that would have made most other parents very happy, such as catching me reading books on science or going to the university library.

9. Cruelty to animals or children: Punishes animals brutally; May expect children to do things far beyond their ability, or teases them until they cry.

I’ve never observed my parents around any (non-food) animals, but I’ve heard them make negative remarks about keeping pets. Beating me in elementary school and threatening to disown me in high school for my interest in science certainly qualify as examples of cruelty to a child.

10. Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes, degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. Could cause sleep deprivation and wake you with relentless verbal abuse.

My parents continually dismissed my interests as “worthless”, derided my hobbies and extracurricular activities as “wastes of time”, and referred to people whom I admired as “idiots”, but I don’t actually recall any instances where they called me any names.

11. Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

My father was always at least somewhat irritated, and he has never been what I would call “sweet”. But he could switch from irritated to violent almost instantly.

12. Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him or her do it.

Since I was their first-born child, this doesn’t really apply to me.

13. Threats of violence: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way” or “I didn’t really mean it.”

My father would threaten to throw me out into the street or disown me, but neither of my parents ever followed this up by claiming that he didn’t really mean it. My mother would however tell me that my father was threatening me for my own good.

Out of these thirteen abusive behaviours, only one (#1) did not apply to abusive parent-child relationships. And of the remaining twelve, one (#12) did not apply to my situation. But my parents have exhibited eleven of these behaviours to various degrees towards me throughout my life.

– davinci