Comments on: Authoritarian parenting and its harmful effects on gifted children

By: LR

LR — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 23:03:13 +0000

“They limited their intellectual horizon by forming cliques with other children who have the same backgrounds and ignoring everyone else, and they raised their marks artificially by copying each other’s homework. They keep this up through high school, and then university — then wham! The majority can’t adjust to having to think for themselves, they drop out (or switch to an easier programme), which thins the ranks of the cliques, which then can’t sustain their marks, then more people drop out, and so on.”

It happens. They tend to be racist and when it comes to dating and relationships, they date people of the same background who are just as authoritarian to please their authoritarian parents but wind up unhappy instead. It’s common in every culture, even among White people. If a person is kind, generous, and interesting, especially if he or she is of a different background, they’re told to ditch that person for an authoritarian person of the same background instead. Children of authoritarian families don’t like nice/good people at all. They prefer controlling/bad people instead because of their parents.

By: davinci

davinci — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 04:57:31 +0000

Hi, R.j,

Sorry for the late reply. I sometimes miss comments on old posts.

I read the Amy Chua article and thought about writing something in reply, but I’ve read the responses to it and I think everything that I can say about it has already been said by someone else.

Thanks for sharing it though.

– davinci

By: R.j

R.j — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 06:03:18 +0000

Thank you for writing this. I am a first generation Asian-American and can relate well.

I am 20 yrs old, 3rd year away at college, and I still cannot communicate with my parents. After years of rebelling and acts of self destruction, my parents have somewhat grown apathetic concerning my “success” in school. They say they’ll love me no matter what, but I do not believe them.

I hope that someday, we will be able to forgive our parents, forget the things that happened when we were just children and move on.

Recent controversial article: “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” Wall street journal
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html?mod=WSJ_article_related

By: davinci

davinci — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 05:48:48 +0000

Thanks for your comment, E. I wrote these posts because I suspect that there are a lot of people with similar experiences, who often don’t realise that there are others who have gone through the same things.

– davinci

By: E

Sat, 15 Jan 2011 02:34:21 +0000

I know this post is old, but I found it and it resonated with me, so I was inspired to respond. While I am not sure that I’ve seen enough examples of gifted children with authoritarian parents to say that the experience you described is a common occurrence, I would say that it describes my situation.

I grew up in an immigrant Jewish household, and some of my Asian friends have called my parents “Asian parents”. My brother and I both have social/emotional issues, and while we are both reaching high levels of achievement in our chosen careers, we are very distant with our parents. They seem confused about this, and I wonder why it hasn’t occurred to them that their parenting style may have had something to do with it.

By: davinci

davinci — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 12:14:14 +0000

Hi, Komal,

I appreciate your dropping by to tell your story.

Have you considered talking to a professional therapist about your upbringing? I’ve found that it helps a lot to have a “live” person to talk to. You may have been raised with the belief that there is a social stigma attached to mental health issues, like I was, but that’s just another part of our upbringing we have to overcome.

Thanks again for sharing.

– davinci

By: komal

komal — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 04:02:42 +0000

though i feel your article is slightly biased to your specific experiences (I have only seen one person have strong authoritarian parents, but she still succeeded in school and beyond), i agree wholly with your theories. I am a first-born daughter of authoritarian indian parents and for all my life i have been known as the daughter with unbelievably strict parents. though it is hard to admit, i have to try very hard to be social, and though i succeed to an extent, i still find it a little more difficult to make friends than any of my other friends do. i also have an extremely sensitive and often low self-esteem and confidence, i never turn to my parents for guidance, and my actions are always based on the consequential behavior of my mother. As a result my actions are never based on values: whether i should do something or shouldn’t. I am distant from my parents; I feel like they barely know me. I don’t blame them, they don’t. In high school I was fully convinced that all love – even parents love for children was conditional, and that with other factors made me suicidal. I am past it all now, but as of now I have lost most respect for my parents and often “tune them out.”

By: My depression in Waterloo, part 12: the aftermath « davinci’s notebook

My depression in Waterloo, part 12: the aftermath « davinci’s notebook — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 22:33:23 +0000

[...] even if I had a Ph.D. This was, of course, complete nonsense. And it was yet another example of how authoritarian parents (or grandparent, in this case) focus on negatives rather than positives and use shame rather than [...]

By: davinci

davinci — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 20:54:05 +0000

I think you’re attributing far more power to other people than they actually have. It would be extremely difficult for someone to shut down a web site if you haven’t broken any laws, and what you write is truthful.

– davinci

By: Maurice

Maurice — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 10:49:30 +0000

Writing on the web is also vulnerable to be switched off at any time, it does not have a solid physical existence to make it permanent. I do my bit through writing at issue level. But in putting on the web a full story in personally identifiable or named detail, there would be this danger: The psychiatrists who were involved in the actual events could have the control over the legal reaction to my testimony’s content, conveniently assessing it to be disturbed, and after the site concerned is shut down their actions towards me will not be under any scrutiny by a public audience who own the story in a permanent form and can see what is being gagged.